Self-Portrait: Questionnaire

(First posted at Bending Genre and since revised.)

1. What category do your bad dreams fall into?

a. Car troubles
b. Faulty machinery in general, including computers
c. Being chased
d. Falling
e. Trapped

2. If you chose trapped, where were you trapped?

a. In a closet in the library of your elementary school
b. In a corn combine on your neighbor’s farm
c. Under the weight of the neighbor boy
d. Under the ice on a river
e. Behind the doors of the yellow school bus that wouldn’t open

3. What do you dislike about your current job?

a. The pay
b. The hours
c. The people
d. The workplace
e. The work
f. All of the above

 4. How do you cope?

a. Yelling at strangers in the car
b. Going ten miles slower than the speed limit
c. Putting chewing gum on walls and under seats
d. Reading about extinct species
e. Dancing when the local football team loses

5. What is your least favorite activity?

a. Yard work
b. Meetings
c. Paying bills
d. Cleaning the gutters
e. Overseeing children’s homework
f. Filling out annual reports

6. What word describes your view of mankind at this point in your life?

a. Joyful
b. Enlightened
c. Robotic
d. Bankrupt
e. Whiny
f. Trapped

7. What issue most concerns you?

a. The state of the economy and your children’s future
b. The state of the economy (I have no children)
c. Yard waste
d. Won-lost record of the local football franchise
e. The disappearance of bees
f. Trapped

8.  If you had it to do over again, what describes your attitude about having children?

a. I’d have more
b. I’d have exactly what I have
c. I’d have some for others
d. I’d adopt
e. I’d get an aquarium

9. If you have a partner, which of the following describes your current feelings?

a. Faded admiration
b. Resignation
c. Indifference
d. Hostility
e. Suspicion
f. All of the above plus trapped

10. At what point did your feelings for your partner change, if they did?

a. Shortly after the start
b. After the first child
c. After the second child
d. Recently
e. Before you began
f. All of the above

 11. For a holiday gift, which would you prefer to receive?

a. Scrooge Mini-Nutcracker
b. Bavarian Santa Nutcracker
c. The Bob Cratchit Nutcracker
d. Animated Musical Toy Chest playing “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”
e. Policeman’s bullhorn

12. Which of the following wouldn’t you like to receive?

a. The Horticultural Institute’s Tiered Floral Display
b. Handmade Kathe Kruse Margretchen Doll
c. The Lorenzi Cigar Rest with Continuous Burning Wick
d. Chinese rickshaw

13. Which of the following objects suggests your essence?

a. Cordless insect vacuum
b. Body fat analyzer
c. Step-on garbage pail
d. Long-reach bulb changer
e. Stop-Mud-in-Its-Tracks Slippers
f. Washable leather potholders

14. How would you describe your experience taking this questionnaire?

a. Excited, like seeing a strange new butterfly
b. Expectant, like seeing a kiss quivering inside your partner
c. Bored, like taking notes at a meeting
d. Angry, like required counseling
e. Sad, like reading the obituary of someone you once loved

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